I have this clear picture of you — smiling through the pain. Genuinely loving every second of it because at least you’re still alive. And you’re really, really alive. It’s why everyone falls in love with you. Why I fell in love with you.

I wonder if other people can stop loving you. I dream of what it might feel like to stop. I must’ve tried it all by now. Make you the bad guy, make me the bad guy, you, then me again. And again. Try to forget. Try to move on, carry with me the lessons. Try to be grateful. Try to remember what you taught me. Love myself the way you did. Love the whole world the way I loved you. Learn to love better than either of us ever could. Listen to Ram Dass. Ascend past my mortal form which is ultimately intwined with yours, find you again in the formless.

I wonder if anything will change when one of us leaves this city. This city which we both think we brought the other to. I hope somewhere out there you hate me. Because the thought of you still loving me is too much to bare.

I wonder if I could fall in love again. I wonder if you already have. I wish that for you even though my greatest wish is not to wonder anymore at all. I don’t think I exist without loving you still. I think that would make me half alive. I’m starting to believe I might carry this with me my whole life. It was an accident, falling in love with you this way. I hope I can be careless enough to do it again.